Three Under Five and Still Alive: If You Let Me Use Yours...You Can Use Mine

I have a small obsession with fingernails and toenails. Dirty nails drive me nuts. Every mom has at least one. A pet peeve. That's mine. I clip each child's nails on the days that I feed them.  Sixty nails, every three days. In fact, up until a year ago, I couldn't stand the white part of my own nails. Cut it all off.   It would only be fitting that I've passed this insanity onto one of my children.

Lil and I took Finn to her well doggy visit this week. Of course, I asked them to clip her nails. Lillian decided she wanted to keep one. A dog toenail. To remember Finn by... when she dies, Lillian reasoned. Nice. "Can we get a puppy when Finn dies?" She asked. No other dog could handle you, or your brothers. And please hush before the veterinarian comes in and hears you discussing our dog's death.  They don't want to lose out on the mortgage payment they're charging us just to let us know we need to clean her ears out. She can hear just fine. She just chooses not too. The triple threat taught her that trick. Finn isn't kicking the bucket any time soon. I'm pretty sure of it because she told me so. Oh, Finn doesn't talk? But apparently other dogs do. Lillian wanted to know why Finn couldn't go back into the exam room by herself? "Because she can't speak for herself," I told her.  Lil watched another dog be escorted back, sans owner. "That dog must be able to talk," she told me.  Ten minutes, and hundreds of dollars later, Finn got a clean bill of health and Lillian got a vial to store the toenail. I want that job.

After the visit we went to Rite Aid. Lillian flashed her vial of toenail. "What's that?" the clerk questioned.  I need to start carrying a sign, Please don't speak to the children. Lil dumped it out on the counter for her. The poor old woman nearly fell over. I'm sure she wished she never asked. "That's interesting," she politely commented. In other words... your offspring is scaring the Depends right out of my panties, please remove her...and the toenail... from the premises. What? You didn't see the sign? Next stop, the beer store.  Lil shook it out onto the black and white, marble floor... to have a little play time. We'll never find that thing again I thought. Win for me. No such luck. She found it. Home again, home again, jiggity jig.  Next it appeared on the dining room table.  Dinner's ready!  Love that easy button.  Remind me why we buy toys...or dinner... again?

I keep an old toothbrush in the bathtub to scrub nails with. Hoping for a trimming reprieve. Never works. The kids would rather use it to brush their teeth. We do have clean toothbrushes for that. Another one of my obsessions. So I lied, I have more than one. I buy toothbrushes in bulk. From Target, four to a pack, for $1.97. Four different colors. Everyone gets assigned thier favorite color. Until they have a new favorite color the next day. And decide to trade.