Library = High Rate Hooker

The boyfriend.  Tonight, as I scrubbed the kindergarten off of Lil in the bathtub, she told me her friend has a boyfriend.  And that she has one too.  I started scrubbing harder.   That kindergarten is hard to get off.

Lil - "Daphne has a boyfriend."
Me - "Who?"
Lil - "Cole."
Me - "I think kindergarten is a little young for boyfriends."
Lil - "I have a boyfriend too.  Liam.  L-I-A-M." 
Me - "Since when?"
Lil - "Since the first day of school.  I didn't tell  you because I know I'm not supposed to have one."
Me - "Well, what does having a boyfriend at school mean?  What do you do together?"
Lil - "Well, he doesn't know that he's my boyfriend."

And that my friends, is the best kind of relationship to have.  Smartest girl in America.  And she knows how to spell too.


I've been slacking.  Grady's been wearing shorts and t-shirts out of the house.  Without a jacket.  He does wear rain boots.  And carries a broken umbrella.  With a sharp, metal piece exposed at the top.  So he can stab monsters.  Dempsey wears a coat.  But no shoes.  Lil will wear a sweatshirt.  I sneak  a jacket into her book bag.  So it looks like I care.  She does put on underwear most days.  Chocolate milk and Cinnamon Toast Crunch have been doled out regularly.  Along with other candy bribes.  By 9am Grady is reminding me that he hasn't had any sugar yet today.  And I laughed this morning when Grady chucked a sippy cup at Dempsey's head.  Because he wouldn't stop talking.  I've also been having some relationship issues with the library.


I wish she never knew that she was my girlfriend.  That I really, really loved her.  The library and I have not been on the best of terms recently.  You might say she's trying to dump me.  I didn't even know we were officially a couple.  Until she started charging me for her services.  That temptress!  She lures me in with  her puppets, movies, play areas, and free books.  She issues library cards to each member of the triple threat.  Smiling.  The.entire.time.  Then she has the nerve to expect those books to be returned.  On time.  All twenty three of them.  Every three weeks.  She practically throws books into our laps.  I didn't even want Sneezy Louise or What to Expect When You Find Out Your Girlfriend's a Hooker.   When one happens to go missing?  She charges me 25 cents per day.  Per missing book!  Right now I owe approximately $38.02.   Library = high rate hooker if you ask me.  As of now, Grady and I are DELINQUENT.  That's how she refers to us.  So we just use Lillian's card instead.  That hooker has no idea what she's in for with that girlfriend.

To make ourselves feel better, Grady and I did facials today.  Do these look like delinquent faces to you?  I think not.

Oh I can Grady. I can.  Catch you.

 

Two seconds later.  Mask starts to dry.  "It's burning, it's burning!"  He screams.  Facials with mom, fail.

 

Bras are way overrated.

What Would Mother Say

I'm talking to my mom on the phone tonight and she says to me, "Lisa Marie...your children are sniffing each other's butts...please...when writing this blog just remember, WWMS...What Would Mother Say?"  I usually try not to think about what my mother would say as I go about my day.  She would be mortified.  While I'm on the phone with her, Dempsey is pulling up on my pant leg...jerking down my kid stained pants in the process.  Grady, who is supposed to only have his paci at bedtime, is yanking me over to one side and shoving said paci down my shirt, telling me "I don't have to go to bed now, right mom?" And Lillian is laying on the floor running her foot up my leg, the only one that Dempsey doesn't have a death grip on, while singing "Let's celebrate Kwanzaa."  This reminds me I need to shave.  I'm being molested by my children Mom!  What does my mother have to say about this scene?  "Lisa Marie...don't put that out there!"

Last night we were celebrating St. Nicholas a day late.  Lillian learned about St. Nicholas at school.  She wants to put her and Grady's shoes outside the bedroom door with the hopes that St. Nicholas will leave treats.  Grady takes the shoes from the hallway, placing them on the wrong feet, one velcro navy blue sneaker (his) and one purple patent leather mary jane (hers), and dances to Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, booty style, on his bed.   What would mother say?   "Lisa Marie...those shoes are filthy, don't let him on the bed with those!"


Yesterday, after the boys and I picked Lil up from preschool we went to the library. The first thing we do is stop in the bathroom and I change both boys' diapers. We head to the kids section. All three scatter to play with toys and swipe books and dvd's from their shelves. In the time it takes Dempsey to topple over a chair, Grady has pooped.  This will be a short visit. I'm waiting for the other library patrons to start dropping dead from the fumes at any minute. At the check out I ask Grady to please sit down in the stroller. He looks at me pleadingly "Poop in my butt" he informs me. Thanks for telling us, I had no idea. The librarian thinks it's funny, she laughs. But doesn't volunteer to change his diaper. Time to change libraries. What would mother say? She would remind me of our visit to her library last month. Lil and Grady's uproarious puppet show full of sound effects and puppets flying over book shelves. Dempsey gnawing the paint (non toxic I'm sure) off of three puzzle pieces and knocking the remaining parts of nineteen puzzles onto the floor. The librarian comes over to reprimand us. My mom may not be allowed back. That's okay she would say, she never really liked books anyway.


Lillian spotted a stink bug on the bathroom ceiling this morning.  I climb up onto the vanity to grab it with a tissue and tell her "Don't ever do this."  That's what my mother would have said to me.  I try to grab it and it falls...onto the handle of the red toothbrush sitting on the counter.  Lil looks up at me and says "Mom, I'll use the green toothbrush."  Smart girl.  What would mother say?  She would say "Lisa Marie,  that is DISGUSTING...throw out BOTH toothbrushes.  And get a new ceiling"


At the end of each of my days what would my mother say?  I know what she would say because she says it everyday.  "Lisa Marie...you're doing a great job... and I love you more than all the tea in China."