Perfect

I want to cry.  I'm standing on the side of the trail and I think I may just sit down and cry.  The cyclists and walkers will just assume that the kids are being ornery.  But the other runners will understand.  I am having a horrible run.  My body is not doing what I am willing it to do and nothing seems to be working right.  Plus, after five years,  I'm a week out from no longer being pregnant and/or nursing.  My hormones must be a wreck.  Maybe I should just cry and get it over with.  Everyone always says they feel better after a good cry.  But I'm not a crier.  I just can't do it.  Although I'm not a yeller either.  And I did yell at Grady last night.  He got me.  He won.  I had run out of patience.  I did apologize.  But it didn't make me feel any better.  It will always be there in his little mind. 

The boys fell asleep during my run this morning.  It was such a relief.  They each fussed for a brief time.  It seemed like an eternity but really it was just minor squawking.  And what would I have done without them?  They guarded me while I peed on the side of the trail.  Their cute little faces peering over their snack trays at mom's naked butt squatting over a mound of dirt.  Praying that none of the park rangers ride by....not like the last time.  Embarrassing.

Boys Asleep

When my run was over, I wanted to run one more mile.  I have to make it better.  It can't end like this.  It has to be perfect.


Perfect. 

I never made Seany a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast this morning.  I didn't play a game with Lillian today.  I didn't hold Grady long enough.  I didn't call my friend.  I put Dempsey to bed too quickly, I didn't sing him a song.  I didn't thank my parents enough for how much they love my children.

I made Sean's lunch for work today.  I helped Lillian to make a card.  I carried Grady to bed and laid with him.  I sent my friend a funny note.  I sang Dempsey three songs the next day.  I called and said I love you.

Perfect enough.  The other mothers will understand.