Because That's What Boys Do

I used to tell my friend Jenny that the sign of a clean bathroom was a spotless toilet base.  Sounds thrilling right?  I'm sure you want to be my friend now.  This was before I even had kids, or owned my own home.  I imparted this piece of wisdom upon her when we were roommates, right out of college.  There was actually a waiting list.  To be my roommate.  Everyone wanted to know how to spot a clean bathroom.  I chose Jenny.  She still thanks me everyday.  As she's cleaning her toilet base.

These days, I still remember to wipe around the base of our toilets.  Those tiny knobs drive me nuts.  The ones that cover the bolts that hold the toilet down.  Yes, this is what I think about.  Calgon, take me away.


I'm not even a germ freak.  My kids lick toilets, floors, television remotes, shopping carts, and door handles on a daily basis. Then they lick each other.  I don't flinch.  I just have a hankering for toilet bases.  And those darn knobs.

Dempsey has decided to piss me off.  He's been stealing my toilet knobs.  I caught him one day with one in his mouth.  I actually was more concerned about the choking hazard than the germs.  Because as you know, I've spent a lot of time in the emergency room lately.  Showing up with a child choking on a toilet knob will definitely not help my case. 

I removed the knob from Dempsey's mouth, replaced it, and shut the bathroom door.  Just so you don't think I'm a complete derelict, I do attempt to keep all bathroom doors closed.  Dempsey's just really sneaky.  I think he gets it from Grady.  But sometimes, it's hard to tell.  They each get into their own fair share of trouble.  Just when I think I've captured the culprit, I find out it's another one.  It's hard to tell sometimes.  They're all little people, fairly close in size.  About 15 pounds in weight and one foot in height separating the smallest from the biggest.  When I fold clothes it's hard to tell whose is whose.  It's like the Parent Trap revisited.  Which kid is it?  Who the hell knows.  That's why I just call them Lilliangradydempsey.

Recently, every time I catch Grady doing something he's not supposed to be doing, he tells me, "That's what boys do mom."  Well then...let me just tell you what moms do.  Never mind, maybe when you're 18. 

So tonight, Friday night, yes it is, I set out to clean toilet bases.  And wouldn't you know.  The first bathroom I hit, both toilet knobs are missing.  Dempsey was already asleep.  And I checked, he wasn't choking on a toilet knob.  I have no idea where he hid them.  I'm assuming I'll find one in my cup of coffee tomorrow.  Because that's what boys do.

Where the hell are my toilet knobs Dempsey?

Hard to tell right?