Wanted. Big, Hairy Man.

We have monsters in our house. Three of them.  Self proclaimed.  They huddle up and cry out "Gooo little monsters."  After the huddle, they disperse. Set off for the hunt.  To find the biggest monster.  Bigfoot.  Bigfoot has been a part of our lives for a while now.  He lives in our home.  Apparently.  Somewhere.  Just one more monster to have around the house. I'm just glad I didn't have to give birth to him.

The huddle.

 



The march.

The hunt.



The tools. Walkie talkies.  And drumsticks.


 

I've made him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and gotten him Chapstick.  Because he likes to have pink lips. According to Grady.   And really, what big, hairy man wouldn't?


Grady has an arrangement with Bigfoot.  He takes care of him.  Sets ups his supplies.  Right next to our bed. Thankfully, it's on Sean's side. Because I'm scared of big, hairy men.

We hear Grady at night, shuffling between rooms. Gathering Bigfoot's necessities.

Bigfoot had big needs.

• A pen and paper.  In case he has complaints.  
• A scale.  To weigh his big, hairy ass. 
• A green Power Ranger.  They join forces.  Slaying any unused tampons.  Grady and Dempsey  taught him that.  
• A Power Ranger's mask.  To go undercover.  
• Books.  To outsmart the little monsters. 
• Shirt, tie, pants, and a belt.  For his day job.  Flushing bananas down the toilet. 
• Binoculars.  To spy on the neighbors.  Something he definitely didn't learn from me.   
• Money jar.  To pay for his vacation.
• Thomas backpack. For his vacation attire.
• Pillow and blanket.  Just in case someone slips him some Benadryl when he's up too late.   Again, I certainly don't condone this.  
• SpongeBob flashlight.  To whack Patrick in case he gets out of hand.
• Dream light.  Because they're ugly.  He likes that. 
• Boots.  For tromping through post bath floods.
• Diapers. For his babies. What the hell was he thinking?  Hasn't he learned anything living here?
• iPad charger.  For when he steals our Netflix. 
• Firetruck.  For emergencies.  Like when the little monsters play with matches. 

Lillian?  She's not so nice.  She's focused on the capture.

Hole digger.

The obstacle course.  Bigfoot's demise. 

 

Fáilte.  Welcome.  She welcomes him.  To fall in the hole.  In Celtic style.  That little slip of paper?  Bigfoot's eulogy.

 

And me?  The hell with Bigfoot.  I'm just trying to trap the hairy beast who created these little monsters.  If you have any information on his whereabouts, please call 1.800.Scaryhairyman.  Please do not approach.  He is heavily armed.  See picture below.  

Wanted.  Man on top.