My Chemical Addiction. To Windex. You Temptress You.

So I thought I had kicked the habit.  I was a believer.  I made the change.  It saved me money and rescued my children from unscrupulous fumes.  I was a new woman for years.  I avoided it.  I invented my own concoctions, patted myself on the back, and went to work.  Cleaning.  With vinegar, water, and a dash of dish detergent.  Until that frightful day.  When she went on sale.

Oh, Windex, how I love you!  I've missed your spellbinding scent.  Your guaranteed, streak free shine.   You are delicious.  At least I would imagine that you would be, if I tasted you.  Not that I have, of course.

I know, I know.  Chemicals are bad, bad, bad.  If only they weren't so, well, intoxicating.  Maybe this relationship wouldn't be so hard to end.

But here I am.  Spraying Windex.  On everything.  She does more than just clean windows.  In case you were wondering.

It started with the first bottle.  On sale.  I used the whole damn thing the first day.  I sprayed everything.  I was skipping from room to room.  Using excessive amounts of paper towels and spraying until my trigger finger screamed for a beer and a bottle opener.  So my thumb could have its exhausting turn.

That fateful day.   When I turned on my computer and logged onto Safeway just for U.  I had no intention of undoing all my hard work.  I clicked on coupons for bananas, and turkey, and green beans.  But then, there she was.  She called my name.  My old friend Windex.  In all her glory.  For nearly half her going rate.  Where have you been?  She quietly asked.  Where did I go wrong?  What did I ever do to you?  You left me.  Just like you left that old, too small, three bedroom home!  You bitch!  She raged.  And rightfully so.  I had left her.  High and wet.

It only got worse.  She got nasty.  I didn't know what to say.  So I invited her back.  Into our new, larger home.  Then things really went awry .  I invited my children to participate.

 

He had to close his eyes.  She was that good.

 

I admit, I asked Dempsey to hold the bottle.  He'd never met her before.  Never gazed upon her clear blue liquid.  Or snorted her vapors as they fell to the floor.  I just had to see them together.  Just once.  He couldn't resist her tempestuous ways.  He sprayed me.  And I discovered one more use for her.  She melts away mascara.  Like the goddess that she is.

But alas, that time of night has come.  I must relent and return her to her sleeping spot.  Under my pillow.  I'm off to give the children their Clorox Wipe sponge bath.  And I'll be sure not to forget the nightcap.  Bedtime milk with a shot of Red 40. 

Disclaimer
Do not allow your ordinary children to spray Windex in your face with the hope of removing residual eye makeup.  We are professionals.  And my children are very advanced.  I also have a rediscovered love affair with Windex.  She would never blind me.  As long as I purchase her for full price from now on.  Of course.   I suspect she has something going on with Safeway on the side.  Just sayin'.