Three Under Five and Still Alive: Back to School Night Wardrobe Malfunction

Back to school night. As Sean and I sat in our seats I couldn't believe we were actually there. It felt surreal.  We are officially parents of a school aged child.  And all that comes with it. We were bombarded with volunteer forms, PTO officers, school policies, and staff names. Parents shrieked when certain individuals were introduced. I thought ~~New Kids on the Block~~ Mumford and Sons might come on stage at any moment.    I elbowed Sean when I saw the principal. Lillian told me that he was on vacation.

The outfits intrigued me. Moms appeared as though they had either just come from the bar, or were stopping by sometime soon. I kept my eyes peeled. I was convinced a wardrobe malfunction was about to happen at any moment.  Sean was sitting at the end of the row and I was next to him.  The seat on the other side of me had a purse on it. It was a very important purse. It deserved a special seat. When a mom friend spotted us, I asked the owner of the special purse if anyone was sitting there.  Purse lady uttered not a word.  Just moved the purse.  Then turned to her special friend and sneered, "Well there goes the seat I saved for Tina."   Tina must have gotten caught up at the bar. Because she never showed up.

There were at least six of them. Three in one row and three behind, with a scattering of saved seats thrown in. A parent clique. Some moms, some dads. I couldn't really tell who was with who. Maybe they were just all together. Wink wink. Maybe it was that kind of clique. They were sharing Altoids. I shouldn't be so judgemental. Maybe Tina's pants split, or a boob fell out.  She wasn't really at the bar.  Just went back home to change her clothes.

Lillian's first two weeks of school have been spent in the lunch line. Prior to the start of school, I set her up with a lunch account. I barely put any money into it. Enough for what I thought would be the few times she would buy milk to go with the lunch I packed, or to buy the school lunch.   Instead, she purchases random produce daily.   Lil's second day of school she stepped off the bus with a still full lunch bag.  I asked her what she ate. An apple. I didn't pack an apple. She bought one.  Monday and Tuesday I packed carrots in an adorable, little plastic container.  Lil came home with unopened, prepackaged bags of carrots. Wednesday, she presented me with two broccoli florets.   Purchased. Who buys random, raw broccoli florets you might wonder? Produce hoarders. Friday, she told me she had forgotten that she brought her lunch. So she bought one.  Many days I discover unopened milk jugs.  I get the five year old lecture, "You may want to dump that out. It's probably yucky. It's been sitting in my lunch bag all day."

After the initial back to school night briefing, we were dismissed to our child's classroom.  Following the classroom rotation, parents had the option of viewing a video on harassment. Necessary to volunteer at the school or chaperone a field trip.  We chose to watch.  Watch the bartender pour us a beer. At the bar. Tina was there too. I told her I thought it was awful that her friends didn't bother to save her a seat.  Then my boob fell out.