Under Where? Under There. Do You Wear Underwear?

I got the shout out from Lil tonight.  From my bedroom.  That the movie was over.  I went up to tuck her and Grady into bed.  Grady was already asleep.  On his back.  Arms above his head, legs spread out in a V.  With a pillow covering his entire body.  I whip the pillow off.  Only to discover he's completely naked.  Not what I was expecting.  But really, I should have expected it.  I think I saw him smirk in his sleep.  Because this is Grady's idea of a 'weally' funny prank.

I did find this weally funny.  And it weally was a welcome change.  From the other side.  The cracked side.

Because you see...I am cracked out.  On butt cracks. 

Grady and Lillian do not wear underwear.  And at an official 32.8 and 42.9 pounds, respectively (their official weight with clothes, not to include underwear) they do not have much junk in their respective trunks.  I blame this on their father.   Because I, however, do have much junk in my trunk.  And I wear underwear.  In case you were wondering.  Their lack of junk has lead to what I will refer to as 'butt crack syndrome'.  Their bottoms fall down and their butt cracks creep out.

When Grady had his 4 year old check up this week, the nurse asked him to remove his shirt and shorts as she was leaving the exam room.  In preparation for the doctor's arrival.  I casually mentioned that he doesn't wear underwear.  She suggested that I ignore her previous suggestion.  I quickly told her that I do wear underwear.  I had to.  To cover my own ass of course.

We spent last week at a lake house in the Adirondacks.  Each morning, a duck family swam up to our dock.  One duck in particular got quite lucky.  The kids liked him.  They fed him the cereal part of their Lucky Charms.  After they ate all of the marshmallows out of it.  They liked him so much, they lovingly named him 'Butt Crack".  Because that's how they roll.  Grandma encouraged them to call him 'Butt Quack'.  They tossed that name aside like a brand new pair of underwear.

When Sean's mother and grandmother came to visit a couple of weeks ago, we got slightly distracted one evening while preparing dinner.  The boys were missing.  Sean found Grady biking his way up the street.  In his underwear. And nothing else. With Dempsey in pursuit.  Perhaps trying to catch him.  To remind him that he was wearing underwear.  And should definitely remove it before biking.  Because what else are brother's for?

Now Grady can be a bit temperamental when it comes to other people not wearing their underwear.

The last time he saw me naked he told me that he still liked me.  Even when I'm naked.  And promised that he wouldn't even laugh.  He would only laugh if I told him something funny.  While I was naked. 

Now Nanny on the other hand.  Well she received a much colder reception when she chose to go commando under her bed time clothes.  When Nanny invited Grady to sit next to her in bed to watch a movie, he told her I don't want to sit next to you because you're not wearin' underwear and I don't want to see your penis. See.  He's a bit confused.  About everything.

Here's what you can take away from all of this.  If it looks like a duck.  And quacks like a duck.  It might just be Butt Crack.

Butt Crack the Duck declined to be photographed for this story.

I will never show my face again.  Only my butt crack.

Uncle Conor and Grady.  All cracked out.

Lil, Uncle Conor, and Grady.  The clothed cracks.

Aw man.  Why are you talkin' about my butt crack again mom?

She refused to give a statement regarding her excessive exposure of butt crack.



 

Underwear, Teether. Toilet Wand, Sword.

Dempsey's molars are coming in.  Actually two have already arrived.  We produce very advanced children.  In the past, his chosen teethers were socks.  Now he's taken to Lillian's underwear.  Clean...I can deal with it.  Dirty...grossy.  Lil and Grady were in the backyard and Lil had stripped from the waist down to pee.  Yes, in the backyard.  Better than when she used to poop in the front yard.  Mirror mirror on the wall, I'm like my mother after all...I must admit I've done it myself.  Not poop...pee.  And not in the front yard...the back.  Okay, so that doesn't make it better.  What can I say?  Sometimes it's just easier.   At least I don't take it all off.  She carried her clothes back into the house to change, leaving pee soaked underwear on the floor.  Apparently the sand box was too intriguing and the pee just started flowing.  By the time we all came back in, dinner was calling and I forgot about the underwear.  Dempsey found it.  And chewed it.  Right after he pulled the toilet paper from the toilet that Lil forgot to flush.  I know, I know.  You're probably throwing up a little right now.  Okay, a lot.  But that's why this blog is called Three Under Five and Still Alive.  You thought I was referring to myself all this time?  No, I'm talking about the children. 

CHEEESE....dump

This looks like a good spot

Lillian has always had a bad habit of leaving her underwear everywhere.  We never potty trained with Lil.  I avoided it.  One morning, a month before she turned three, Lil woke up and decided she would go on the potty and wear underpants.  Shortly thereafter it was Easter.  We arrived at my aunt and uncle's house and the first thing she did was climb out of the van and pee right next to it.  Later that day my Uncle Jimmy found Lillian's discarded underwear on his bathroom floor.  She pooped in their backyard too.  Free fertilizer.  Happy Easter!  She changes more times a day than she can count.  And she can count to thirty.  Skipping seventeen and eighteen.  Perfect.  If only she left out thirteen through sixteen as well.  Even the underwear changes.  We find it everywhere.

Lillian perfecting her squat at almost three years old

Just hours before the underwear drop off

Everything at our house seems to have a dual purpose.  Underwear, teether.  Clorox toilet wand, sword.  Try getting jabbed at with that thing.  Couch, trampoline.  Bunkbeds, catapault.  Foosball table, stage.  Sink, swimming pool.  Toilet, carwash.  Beer, water.

As you can see, we are a very green family.  Reuse, recycle, reinvent.  Team Barnum.  You wanna join?  Drop your drawers at the front door.