Mickey Is Not Who You Think He Is

Last night I watched E.T. with Lil and Grady.  It's their favorite movie.  For the moment.  Which means we watch it over, and over, and over again.  Until the kids start to believe they're Elliot and Gertie.  I think this obsession is common among two to five years olds.  It may start before the age of two.  I wouldn't know.  I don't allow my children to watch television or movies prior to their second birthday.  I make Dempsey sit backwards on the couch and read War and Peace.  We're at the part when E.T. gets sick and Elliot thinks E.T. is going to die.  Lil hugs me and says, "Mom, when you get old and die, I want to put lots of flowers on your rock." 

At the pool this afternoon, Dempsey molested two different men.  Both were sitting on the edge of the pool and neither had any idea what was coming.  The first unsuspecting father had his nipple fondled.  The second, a hairy beast of a man, had his chest fur massaged.  Dempsey also likes to plant open mouthed kisses on anyone who can't get up and run fast enough.  My trained response?  Sorry, he's very friendly.  Then I admire all the beautiful flowers on my rock.

Dempsey has also been known to grab Grady's penis.  This is probably why Grady is not yet potty trained.  He is afraid to unleash it.  Today was the second day I put underpants on Grady.  He kept putting them on backwards.  Because honestly, wouldn't you want Buzz Lightyear where you can see him?  What point is there if he's on your butt?  I showed him the flap in the front.  Where he can pull his penis out to pee.  Lillian thought this was the best thing ever.  She immediately disappeared to her room.  That's the moment I hid the scissors.  Knowing it wouldn't be long until she was cutting flaps into all her princess panties.   Yesterday, Gray watched Sean pee.  "I like your penis dad, who got it for you?"  He inquired.  Sean pretended he didn't hear.  But I heard the whole thing.  The first thought that popped in my mind?  Well...since I've been watching E.T. so much I thought I was Elliot and Gertie's mother.  Mary may have been referring to E.T.  but I was thinking about a penis. 

Mary:   If you ever see it again, whatever it is, don't touch it, just call me and we'll have somebody come and take it away. 

Sean should really consider himself lucky because Grady told me, "Mom, I don't like your penis or your vagina.  But I like your butt."  I should have listened to my enlightened friend Maryann when she recommended we call everything mickey.  That way, when my kids talk about these things in public, I'm not smelling flowers. 

Really, I'm lucky to be able to watch E.T.  Our power went out last weekend.  All we could watch was each other.  The first full day without power started quite innocently.  Water play in the backyard.  Pool, sliding board, slip and slide, water table, sprinklers.  In the end, Sean and I Lil and Dempsey were naked and Grady was wearing a skirt.  We gave the kids a bath in the pool. 
Everyone kept their mickey's to themselves.  I could tell you that I mentioned to Sean that I liked his mickey.  But that might make you want to smell your own flowers.

Beginning of the day.

End of the day.





The Men's Room

At Grady's third emergency visit, he was prescribed an antibiotic to ward off any possible infection that may take place in the gaping wound still left on his chin.  Held together by a mere two stitches.  Two stitches that dangled precariously.  Probably scared to death every time they came within inches of hard flooring.  The other three stitches jumped for their lives when they had the chance. 

From what I can remember, none of the kids have taken an antibiotic before.  And I'm not sure this was the one to start with.  Thick and bitter.  For the first dose I squeeze the syringe into Grady's mouth as he flies past me.   Nothing to it.  Obviously I am extremely inexperienced with this.  The whole mouthful is sprayed right back at me.  I lay him down.  I squirt it into the back of his cheek.  Same response.  Over the course of three days I try everything.  I mix it with soda, chocolate milk, and ice cream.  I sit on him, bribe him, and try to do it while he's sleeping.  All things that were frowned upon by every pediatrican I searched on Google.  I look in the mirror to clean my face from the full bottle of Augmentin that has built up over the days.  I see a big fat sign on my forehead that reads, You suck at this.  I spit the medicine back at the mirror. 

We load up the van and head off for some flavoring.  Grady picks bubblegum.  He adores bubblegum.  But I learn, not Augmentin flavored bubblegum.   We try it out while we're still at Walgreens.  Out it comes onto the floor.  Barely missing Lillian who is army crawling under the ropes meant to keep people in line.  Doesn't work Walgreens.  Take that!  The pharmacist tries to make me feel better.  She tells me that some of it is probably being absorbed before he has a chance to blast it back out.  Sort of like osmosis I think to myself.  So the next time an antibiotic is prescribed, I will simply leave the bottle under the prescribed kid's pillow. 

Back in the van.  Sean and I are texting.  I had sent him a kid picture earlier.  And it was probably someone elses' kids.  I do this sometimes.  To make myself feel better.  Because I don't like taking medicine either.

Sean   We have the cutest kids in America :)

Me     Yea, especially Grady who just spit an entire dose of bubblegum flavored medicine onto the     floor of Walgreens.  Meanwhile his sister was walking with a cane, acting all decrepit-like, right behind a little old lady.  And Dempsey threw cereal all over the floor.

Sean  I guess we have the cutest monsters in the world.  (no smiley face)


At the pool today, Grady takes off running.  Into the men's bathroom.  I take off after him.    Then stop abruptly when I glimpse the urinals from the propped open door.  It's at this point that I realize naked men may be in there.  And they are not of the age when they are used to their mommies seeing their penises fifteen times a day.  Naked men.  Maybe God is sending me my in.  Since he knows I'll never get a chance to see Magic Mike anytime soon. Maybe I'm supposed to be running into the men's bathroom.  I decide against it and grab a male lifeguard instead.  Because Lord knows I don't want any of the other mothers talking about what a sick individual I am.  They might make me take Augmentin. 

Grady has taken to wearing this mask daily to avoid medicine mishaps.



A Shotglass and an Outhouse

Yesterday was our first pool day of the season.  And the first year Lil is allowed to go to the ladies bathroom by herself.  She went 5 times in three hours.   She told me it must be all the water.  Um, you're not supposed to be drinking it.  She just shrugged her shoulders.  So I did too.  Whatever.

I knew our pool experience would be crazy this year.  Last year, Lil was content to swim in the little pool and Dempsey wasn't running yet.  On my super lucky days, I managed to get both boys to fall asleep in the stroller.  Giving Lil and I a chance to hit the big pool, where no swim diapers are allowed.  Yesterday, I was the star of the pinball game...the ball.  Pinging from one kid to the other. Keeping an eye on Lil, playing with her friends, in the 2 foot portion of the big pool.  Chasing after balls for Dempsey and climbing under water spouts with Grady, in the little pool.  Doling out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, juice boxes, water bottles, pretzels, chips, and sunscreen.  Placing the boys in the stroller and bribing them with Starburst and Ring Pops so I could take Lil swimming in the deep end.  When it was time to leave, Lillian wanted to go into the bathroom...again.  Grady convinced me to let him walk to the van.  "Hold your hand."  He sang sweetly.  All well plotted on his part.  He bolted full speed into the little pool.  With shoes, dry shorts and dry diaper.  Then ran laps around the pool.  It's his victory dance.  What to do...what to do.  Do I chase, threaten, or bribe?  It's sort of like rock, paper, scissors.  I decided to chase, catch, and buckle.  Into the stroller.  He is mad.  I am glad.  It is nap time.

This is the best I could do

The triple threat practiced their swimming skills at camp too.  In the creek.  Finn joined in.  Swimming in circles, biting the water and barking at minnows.   Grady kept throwing large rocks, watching them crash down into the water.  I told him to stop throwing rocks.  He heaved one up and over his head, throwing it into the water.  All while yelling, "I'm.not.doing.it!"  Well what do you call that then mister?  "I'm not throwing rocks mom....I'm just tossing them."  Whatever.  I'm going to the ladies room outhouse.  And I'm going all by myself.  My mom said I'm allowed.

See...the rocks were huge.  I told him not to throw those rocks.

.  Sniffing blankies.

Dempsey learned it from watching Grady.

No plates at camp.  Must eat candy off ground.

Passed out. 

Keeping the bears away. 

Yes, I bite water and bark at minnows.

Drinking from his shot glass.