Ruff. Ruff.

I thought we were in the clear.  My boys and I would win the Family of the Day award at Dempsey's two year old check up.  It really couldn't get any worse than what we walked in on as we entered the waiting room.  An eight year old  boy on all fours.  Wagging his butt and panting.  With his tongue hanging out.  A bark squeaked out.  He pawed at the doctor's legs.  "He's really come out of his shell hasn't he?"  Dog boy's mother commented.  She was wearing, what appeared to be, pajamas.  To my untrained eye of course.  The doctor looked down at the boy and calmly said "Well, I'm not up for petting a dog today but I sure could do a high five." 

Yup.  I'm good.  I'm doing great.

My first mistake was taking Dempsey and Grady into the closet sized bathroom with me. The one right next to the waiting room.  And the front desk.  And two exam rooms.  It's a very small office.  It's also very quiet.  Dempsey threw his penny into the sink's drain and started chanting "poop, poop, poop."  Just in case someone might be wondering what I was doing in there.  At least he wasn't barking.

It's all fun and games until your kid hits you.  In front of the nurse. Right after he hits his brother.  Who's flailing on the floor while said nurse listens to his heart.  Kids were running from exam rooms, jumping from exam tables, sticking their nasty feet into the sink, and begging for gum.  And they were all mine.  The kids.  The ones doing the naughty stuff. 

And next up is the Naughty Family.  Oh wait.  That's us. 

Grady had already lost television privileges for the day.  For some cockamamie family house rule like, Don't stab your mother with your breakfast fork.  He had also lost out on chocolate milk.  That was for screwing up family house rule #4.  Thou shall not poop more than three times before lunch.   

The last of my awesome mom credibility was lost when the doctor lifted up Dempsey's shirt.  He was spotted.  Red spots covered his belly.  And his back.  "Oh."  I stated lamely.  "That's the first time I've seen that."  Said the slack ass mom.  Because really, it was the first time I had seen it.   But how?  How could this be?  I had just changed the kid's clothes an hour earlier.   Maybe he was allergic to Dr. Stopjumpingoffmyexamtableandgetthehelloutofmyoffice.  Or.  Maybe.  I'm just a slacker. She assured me it was a viral rash.  Nothing to worry about.  She asked if he recently had a fever.  I remembered that someone recently had a fever.  Sure!  YES!  YES, he did just have a fever!  It was him!  I swear it was him!  The kid whose name starts with a D! 

I'm back in. 

The doctor left and we waited for the nurse to return.  It was time to get my game voice on.  I had to make a quick recovery.  As loudly as Dempsey had chanted 'poop', I shouted, "We mustn't use our feet for jumping in this jail exam cell.  Please use your inside voice.  Let's clean up this mess and take these borrowed toys back to the waiting room.  Just like cleaning up at home!"  I winked so hard that I got a headache.  They looked at me like I was barking.  I sure hope Dr. Stopjumpingoffmyexamtableandgetthehelloutofmyoffice heard me.

I still felt pretty good about myself when we got home.  Until I remembered last week.  When Dempsey licked the dog.  And used his toothbrush to clean out his belly button. 

Then I walked in on Grady combing his penis.

Ruff.  Ruff.

You licked Finn WHERE???